Why Wait to Tell Everyone??

Well, the first part of my story is posted.  I wrote the What No One Wants part 1 & part 2 on August 12, 2011.  Didn't post them till now.  Why might you ask?  Well, for a few reasons... First people tend to really freak out when they hear that you have cancer.  (This is something I can attest to firsthand.)  They automatically assume the worst.  I've come to realize in the last month or so that the word "Fear" is truly a four letter word.  Now, I realize I haven't given you a true update on my situation yet... but read on.. in this post or a post or two from now you'll get the rest of the story.  Second, well, I just was having enough of a hard time emotionally of dealing with all of it... that I just didn't think that it would be wise to deal with everyone else's reactions - when I couldn't control my own.

What was going through my head?  Well, for the first week or so I thought I really did have cancer.  That the melanoma in my leg had gone to my lymph nodes.  Satan was all over me on that.  Struggling seriously with it.  I don't know if you've ever wondered how many more nights you'd have to sleep next to your husband or whether or not you'd have the opportunity to watch the baby that is unborn grow up or what would your kids do without a mom.  It's scary.  Just plain scary.  I cried.  a lot.  often.  The fear of the unknown is what I realized that I was seriously having a hard time with.

I was dealing with the thoughts of stuff like.. uh, if this is serious and they do want me to deliver this baby at the end of September... my Rod, is going to have a seriously preemie preemie on his hands in one hospital and a very sick wife on chemicals in another.  You know.. we have 5 other kids too.  Who wants to deal with that??

One more reason that I waited... and someone said this to me...  oh, everyone has had cancer... just deal with it.  Like it's no big deal.  I had someone tell me that people do it every day... like that somehow takes the sting or fear out of it.  I honestly can't imagine saying that to anyone who is in the midst of it.  And you know, when you tell someone something about yourself... you hope that you know how they will respond, right?  But that just isn't the case!  Didn't need others saying those kinds of things to me..

Oh, and not lastly.... my sister-in-law lost a nephew a few months ago to cancer.  I didn't realize until I began to go through this that he actually died of melanoma that went to the rest of his body.  I prayed for him and hoped for him and wished the best for him.  I was so excited when they got his trip together to take him to Disneyland as a last family trip.  I cried for him & his family.  It was just a little too close to home.  Gosh, he was only in his 20's.  Like I said, a little too close to home.

Now, if you're wondering why I didn't tell YOU.  Please don't take offense.  I just wasn't ready to tell..  trying to deal with my "stuff" and figure out where I stood before telling the world.  And if I ran into you & my kids were around, I didn't talk about it.  I still need to sit down and spill the beans to them.  They know some, but not all.  I didn't want them living in fear.  Wanted to wait until all the results would be back at the end of Aug/beginning of Sept. so that we would know what we were dealing with.  Didn't feel like giving them the fear of the unknown.

Something important that I realized over the last couple of weeks... appreciate the time that you do have... you really don't know how much time you have!  I also realized that it's interesting that the thought of knowing that I could die... well, that having that timeline was so scary.  But the truth is... none of us know when our time to die will be!  Yet, we live day in and day out... unappreciative of the people and things around us... the time that the good Lord has given us..  Why didn't I spend more time being thankful & appreciative of what I do have?  Oh, how that hit me hard.  It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.