So, It Is True

I've been pretty quiet the last few weeks. I've been dealing with a lot.

A couple of weeks ago, I went in for my 10 week ultrasound, which is standard. They check to see if the baby has a heartbeat & if your conception dates are correct and there is none, you end up miscarrying... well, I went in and I was definitely pregnant, but there was no fetus in the sack. I don't remember, they call it something. So, I found out that I would be miscarrying.

I know, I know, I have four kids. But somehow, it was still incredibly sad. The loss. It hurt so much... and then there's the loss of time - the last 10 weeks, I've been tired and sick and feeling like I haven't been giving the kids as much time as they need and they haven't been getting as much done as they should with their schoolwork. And somehow, it seems as if it's all for naught.

Somehow, I'm just trusting in the Lord that it is somehow not all for naught. That there is some sort of purpose to going through all of it.

One thing that it has shown me, is how much support I have around me with friends and family. Friends have called, emailed and left facebook notes. Friends have stopped by and others have brought food. With First Class one thing that Rod & I have really strived to create in general, among our group of friends there - is community. And somehow, we have been the lucky recipients of that community.

I have miscarried once before. About 9 or 10 years ago. Between Josiah and Jedediah. With that pregnancy, there was a fetus with no heartbeat. Although, then I didn't know what to expect, and miscarrying was much harder.

A few days after the ultrasound, I did miscarry. This time, the physical side of things seems to be more difficult. Pain pills were my friends for a few days.

Telling the kids was probably the worst of it all though. They really wanted a sister or brother. Julia still doesn't understand that I'm not having a baby.

Don't be surprised though, if you hear I'm pregnant a few months down the road - it's still on my heart to have another baby & probably now even more than before.
Copyright © 2009 by Zindra Nelson